Guidelines to Being A Good Witch (Or Wizard) At Hogwarts
by The Unwritten Fellowship
Summary: Featuring Staff and students of Hogwarts. Rules you should - or not - follow when prowling the magical halls of Hogwarts. Signed Ariana Oswald and Rosalie Tyler.
1. Page I - Ariana

Rule #1

The Giant Squid is not an acceptable date to the Yule Ball

(Even if you're trying to avoid being asked out by someone desperate)

(Like Ron)

(Oh boy, was that awkward)

oOo

Rule #2

Making jokes about Professor Lupin's 'time of the month' is not allowed

(Werewolves are touchy)

(And dangerous)

(Never provoke a werewolf)

oOo

Rule #3

Also, giving Professor Lupin a flea-collar is not allowed.

(Touchy)

(Dangerous)

(Dammit Fred, you know I'm a sucker for dares!)

oOo

Rule #4

Do not use Umbridge's quill to write 'I'm into kinky shit' onto yourself

(The looks are not worth it)

(Or the detentions)

(Ohhh those pickled toad guts love lingering under my nails...)

oOo

Rule #5

Telling Voldemort you've got his nose isn't recommended.

(Not my fault he can't take a joke)

(But it was pretty funny to see)

(I'm still giggling)

oOo

Rule #6

No broom-racing allowed in the corridors

(I blame the Weasley twins for this one)

(Ron didn't turn a sharp corner fast enough)

(Ploughed right into Snape)

(The twins disappeared and I was left explaining...more detention)

(Also, Ron broke an arm and dislocated his nose)

(He's not talking to me)

oOo

Rule #7

Never refer to the Patil or Weasley twins as 'bookends'.

(The end result is never pretty)

(Trust me on this one)

oOo

Rule #8

Starting a betting-pool on the current Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers is strictly forbidden.

(Shame)

(I was getting so rich)

(They just have a short shelf-life)

oOo

Rule #9

Don't bring a Magic-Eight ball to Divination

(While Trelawny likes the vague predictions it makes, examiners don't)

(Oh well)

(I had fun)

oOo

Rule #10

Growing 'shrooms, marijuana or any other 'muggle' drugs is not considered extra credit for Herbology

(I got landed in so much trouble for that one)

(Who knew the Venomous Tentacula could get high?)

(That was the best class ever)


	2. Page II - Rosalie

Rule #11

Do not threaten and/or turn Malfoy into a ferret.

(No matter how funny it is)

(No doubt you'll hear Malfoy complaining about how his father will hear of it, and it gets boring after awhile.)

(Does his father ever actually hear of it?)

oOo

Rule #12

Following rule #11, do not stuff the Transfigured Malfoy-ferret down people's trousers.

(It's still funny, but ick)

(And anyway, McGonagall gets trigger-happy and switches him back too early sometimes)

(Why, McGonagall?)

oOo

Rule #13

Don't send Snape hair care products and tips for his hair.

(It's funny but also rude.)

(He can't help it if his hair is greasy from working with potions.)

(He'll also manage to hunt you down and the result isn't pretty)

oOo

Rule #14

Don't lace the Slytherin's morning pumpkin juice with laxatives and/or stick Puking Pastilles in their food.

(The end result is nasty for all involved and those standing by)

(It messes up the bathroom plumbing as well.)

(The Elves will rat you out.)

(Though it's funny to see Filch cleaning it all up, high chance you'll be forced to as well)

oOo

Rule #15

Don't teach Peeves dirty or annoying songs

(While it's funny at first, it gets really old)

(Especially if he keeps singing S&M while the Baron is rattling his chains)

(An angry Bloody Baron, not something anyone should see.)

oOo

Rule #16

Don't sneak Venomous Tentacula into the Slytherin Dorms.

(The bites are nasty)

(Good chance you'll get bit too.)

(You'll most likely end up serving detention with Sprout and the smell of dragon dung will take weeks to disappear, no matter how much you bathe)

(No one will be able to stand being near you.)

oOo

Rule #17

Don't send Snape any objects of a sexual nature and say it's to help him.

(He will not appreciate it.)

(No guarantee you'll come out of that one alive.)

oOo

Rule #18

In following rule #17, students are forbidden from ordering said objects and will be severely punished if caught.

(What? Oh man!)

(Does this mean they're going to search the owls now?)

(The Howlers are not worth it.)

oOo

Rule #19

Do not place an ad in the Daily Prophet for Professor Snape saying he wishes for a companion.

(A surprising number of witches actually replied.)

(And wizards)

(Snape looked ready to blow a gasket)

(Least Dumbledore looked amused.)

(Well, for good reason.)

oOo

Rule #20

Do not feed the entire flock of owls in the Owlery laxatives right before breakfast in the Great Hall.

(The result is messy)

(The food gets ruined)

(And it's cruel)

(For the owls at least)

(It was funny when Malfoy's owl dropped a huge one right on his head and into his food)

(Good chance you'll be forced to clean that too.)

(And Malfoy's father will hear about it.)

(It'll look suspicious if you manage to shield yourself so you have to get hit too.)

(I'd advise eating before or not.)


	3. Page III - Ariana

Rule #21

Students are not allowed to call Professor Dumbledore 'Gandalf'.

(He was pretty cool with it)

(He keeps going up to students and whispering, "You shall not pass."

(Dumbledore is awesome)

oOo

Rule #22

Students are not allowed to request 'bro-fists' from staff.

(Most of them were cool about it)

(I even got one from McGonagall)

(Snape had issues with it)

(Of course)

oOo

Rule #23

Don't tell everyone that the Hitachiin twins in Ouran High School Host Club are based on Fred and George.

(They WILL act like the Hitachiins)

(And then get their revenge)

(I hate them so much)

oOo

Rule #24

The 'Accio' charm is just a charm. It is not to be referred to as the Force.

(I told all the 1st years I was a Jedi)

(Then 'Accio'ed Trevor the Toad to me)

(I had a following...)

oOo

Rule #25

Students are not allowed to make noises while practising spell work.

(I made lightsabre sounds)

(My minions were totally impressed)

(They even tried to bust me out of detention)

(Bless their little hearts)

oOo

Rule #26

Putting up posters saying that Snape is giving out free hugs is strictly forbidden.

(The amount of people who came into the dungeons was hilarious)

(Even Dumbledore arrived for a hug)

(Snape had to hug him)

(I may have taken a few pictures)

(Colin's camera is awesome)

oOo

Rule #27

Putting up pictures of Snape and Dumbledore hugging with the words 'The Ultimate Bromance' is not allowed.

(Snape was piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed)

(Again, Dumbledore was cool with it)

(Does nothing piss that guy off?)

oOo

Rule #28

Finding out what annoys Professor Dumbledore is suicidal. Don't do it.

(Wow)

(Just wow)

oOo

Rule #29

Walking up to the teacher's table at breakfast and announcing you're pregnant with Snape's child is not recommended.

(Again, I am a sucker for dares)

(Most of the staff were shocked)

(Snape was a whole new shade of white)

(Dumbledore just said that he'd better man up and embrace family life)

(Oh Dumbledore)

oOo

Rule #30

If a teacher asks for a volunteer, do not say "I volunteer as tribute!"

(The teachers just get confused)

(And the class does the three-fingered salute)

(And then everything descends into chaos)


	4. Page IV - Rosalie

Rule #31

Don't send Snape passionate love letters.

(It weirded him out.)

(Dumbledore was amused again)

(Do not sign them)

(He can track you down)

(What idiot would sign them?)

oOo

Rule #32

In accordance with rule #31, do not send Trelawney love letters and say they're from Snape.

(Though the show at breakfast is highly entertaining)

(Snape's fury…. Not so much…)

oOo

Rule #33

Do not tell Umbridge Snape fancies her.

(She actually believed it and flirted with him.)

(Snape looked torn between vomiting and hexing her)

(And again Dumbledore looked amused)

(Why is he always amused?!)

(He's FREAKING Dumbledore!)

oOo

Rule #34

Don't send Umbridge a love letter from a secret admirer.

(She totally believed it)

(She got even more girly and creepy)

(She started humming!)

(She turned the desks pink)

(THE HORROR)

oOo

Rule #35

Don't send McGonagall a catnip mouse toy.

(She was so funny wandering around the castle high)

(She was high as a cat!)

(Badum-tss)

oOo

Rule #36

In accordance with rule #35, don't give McGonagall catnip AT ALL!

(But Dumbledore thought it was funny)

(He thinks everything is funny)

oOo

Rule #37

Also in accordance with rule #35, don't send McGonagall cat toys.

(She'll hunt us down like mice and figure out who did it)

(Never thought I'd be scared of a cat)

oOo

Rule #38

If McGonagall yacks up a hairball in class, don't point it out.

(That was terrifying beyond all reason)

(I think a few of us were ready to yack)

oOo

Rule #39

In accordance with rule #38, DO NOT ask her where she groomed herself to get that one.

(Again, who would be dumb enough to ask?)

(Ron apparently)

(He really needs to sort out his priorities)

oOo

Rule #40

Don't place mistletoe all around the dungeons and wait for Snape under them.

(He set them all on fire)

(I really wanted a kiss too.)

(Such a spoilsport)


	5. Page V - Ariana

Rule #41

Do not pick up Professor McGonagall in cat-form and proceed to treat her like she's baby Simba and you are Rafiki.

(While it's frigging amazing to see the entire Great Hall go all 'bow before the cat')

(McGonagall tends to get annoyed about it)

(Her detentions involve hairballs and cleaning litter-trays)

(Ew)

oOo

Rule #42

The Giant Squid is to be left alone in the lake.

(I tried to levitate it onto Malfoy)

(It almost worked too)

(But then a minion distracted me and it went splat)

(On the plus side, it covered Malfoy in ink)

(On the minus side, it got me detention)

(Curse you, minion)

oOo

Rule #43

Do not attempt to get around the wording of rule #42 and set the Giant Squid up on Tinder.

(Hey, he was lonely!)

(And I didn't have anything better to do at the time)

(He's meeting a very nice lady squid on Tuesday)

(And I've called dibs on being the godmother on the baby squids!)

oOo

Rule #44

When making the Draught of Living Death in Potions, don't make Disney references.

(The temptation was too great)

(I mean, he didn't have to get so angry)

(I just said that if he wanted to kiss me, it was less creepy if I was awake)

(Unless he has a thing for the comatose)

(Not really sure how I feel about that)

oOo

Rule #45

If a classmate falls asleep in class, kindly wake them. Do NOT draw Dark Marks on their arms.

(Again. Temptation)

(Too great)

(Reaction? Priceless)

oOo

Rule #46

Do not refer to Snape's potions stock as his stock of lube.

(It's hilarious)

(But being sent to Madam Pomfry isn't worth it)

(She goes all mother-hen with the sex-talks)

(I can never look at dolls the same way again…)

oOo

Rule #47

If student fails to co-operate with the penalties of rule #46, staff are requested to not tie them up and drag them through the halls to the Hospital Wing.

(I got my revenge)

(I kept yelling that he was too kinky for my tastes)

(It might explain why my head kept on being hit off the floor)

(And why he took the stairs twice)

(That bastard)

(He loves me really)

oOo

Rule #48

Do not sing "We're Off To See The Wizard" as you are being sent to the Headmaster's office.

(How was I to know exams were on?)

(Okay, I knew)

(But I was technically right)

(I was off to see a wizard)

(The grown-ups here have no sense of humour)

(Except Dumbledore)

(Dumbledore's awesome)

oOo

Rule #49

Do not tell the 1st years that your Patronus is a Dalek.

(Most of them don't believe me anyway)

(Except my minions)

(God I love those little beasts)

oOo

Rule #50

Do not attempt to convince staff that Gryffindor courage is Firewhiskey.

(It was an interesting argument)

(Flitwick was up for it)

(Flitwick is awesome)


	6. Page VI - Rosalie

Rule #51

Do not start humming the Batman theme whenever Snape goes sweeping by.

(He does not appreciate it in the slightest)

(He needs a theme song!)

(You can't blame me, he has the swooshy cape!)

(Do you think he uses a spell to make it do that?)

(It's Snape, it's highly possible)

oOo

Rule #52

Do not sing the 'Circle of Life' at the top of the Astronomy Tower as the sun rises.

(That's so evil)

(Why do you think I did it?)

(Because you're evil!)

(Exactly)

oOo

Rule #53

In accordance with rule #52, do not magically amplify your voice to sing said song.

(You just have a death wish don't you)

(Possibly)

(Only an insane person would do that)

(I think we've established the fact I'm not sane)

oOo

Rule #54

Do not send Snape a Batman costume.

(Again, he has the swooshy cape.)

(It was fitting.)

(Temptation was too great)

(Totally worth it)

oOo

Rule #55

Do not start singing Poor Unfortunate Souls in Potions.

(Snape didn't see my musical genius)

(Like you've never had the urge to sing that while brewing)

(The part where Ursula chants in the song was really not appreciated.)

(It was perfect)

oOo

Rule #56

Do not convince First Years that Snape is secretly a vampire

(He REALLY doesn't appreciate this)

(It is also advised that it is not wise to throw garlic at him.)

(So worth it though)

(The ickle Firsties are even more scared of him now)

(Mission accomplished)

oOo

Rule #57

Do not steal Trevor and run around with him, trying to get all the girls to kiss him

(They won't do it)

(Neville won't like it either)

(Not like he'll notice, he's always losing the dang toad)

oOo

Rule #58

In accordance with rule #57, don't convince the girls Trevor is secretly Prince Naveen as an Animagus.

(Doubtful many of them would get the reference)

(My slowly gathering group of Irregulars would get it)

(Irregulars?)

(Sherlock reference)

oOo

Rule #59

Do not play Beauty and the Beast when Lupin and Tonks are around

(In fairness, Tonks adored it)

(Lupin, not so much.)

(Why do we keep messing with Lupin?)

(Because we laugh in the face of danger)

oOo

Rule #60

Also in regards to rule #59, don't play Human Again

(Seriously,why do we keep messing with him?)

(It's like poking a sleeping dragon)

(But it's so fun)


	7. Page VII - Ariana

**Hi guys! Just a quick note to say that a tiny companion fic has been written for this! It's called** Reasons to Follow the Guidelines **and it's in the stories section on our page! Thanks so much to all who've read and reviewed - and enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Rule #61

Students are reminded that Love Potions are forbidden at Hogwarts.

(I told all the non-believers that I could make their crush like them on Valentine's Day)

(So I spiked a ton of drinks and left a ton of pictures around the place)

(My following has grown)

oOo

Rule #62

Students are not allowed to spike a staff member's drink with said Love Potions.

(What?)

(Don't tell me you didn't think of it at one time!)

(Let me tell you - totally worth it)

(Snape is the best boyfriend)

(Then Slugworth gave him the antidote)

(I will avenge myself for this)

(I am great at avenging myself)

oOo

Rule #63

Never, under any circumstances, let the Weasley Twins know of the Batman franchise.

(They will attempt to copy all the dangerous shit)

(Like the Joker's 'toys')

(One of my minions is missing)

(I miss him)

(If you find him, send him to me)

(His name is Ted)

(I think)

oOo

Rule #64

Stop telling other girls that when they shower, they are giving Moaning Myrtle an eye-full.

(It makes some of them uncomfortable)

(And then it leads to everyone trying to convince Myrtle it's okay to come out)

(She still thinks we're on about coming out of the U-bend)

(Whatever works, Myrtle)

oOo

Rule #65

Do not steal Hermione's Time-Turner.

(She left it lying on my bed)

(So I put it on and told my minions I'd found my TARDIS key and that I'd have to leave them)

(They were surprisingly upset)

(As was Harry)

(That's my best speccy friend)

oOo

Rule #66

Students are reminded to report in if a member of staff is intoxicated, unconscious, or otherwise not in the correct state of mind.

(I found Snape drunk outside the Hog's Head on Halloween)

(I did not report it in)

(I took full advantage)

(Revenge is so sweet)

oOo

Rule #67

Students under 3rd year are not allowed to watch the popular Muggle show Supernatual.

(We watched it when Sirius Black broke into Hogwarts)

(And me, being evil, stayed at the back of the group and started levitating stuff)

(THROW THE SALT!)

(The prefects and Percy had a mini riot on their hands)

oOo

Rule #68

Students are not allowed to spray Hufflepuffs with insect repellent.

(I was dared to)

(Again)

(But their uniforms makes them look like bees!)

(Or wasps)  
(I prefer bees, personally)

(They look cuddlier)

oOo

Rule #69

Do not take out a life-insurance policy on Harry Potter.

(In fairness, it was Harry's idea)

(But we didn't really get into trouble since Dumbledore was the one who found out)

(He did ask that Harry try not to get killed though)

(We all went out for pancakes then)

oOo

Rule #70

Do not write short jokes on Professor Flitwick's blackboard.

(He's a bit sensitive about that)

(And when he sat me down and talked about it, I felt bad)

(I hugged him to say sorry)

(He's a great hugger)


	8. Page VIII - Rosalie

**Hi guys! Just a quick note to say that a tiny companion fic has been written for this! It's called** Reasons to Follow the Guidelines **and it's in the stories section on our page! Thanks so much to all who've read and reviewed - and enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Rule #71

Do not, for the love of all that is holy, call Professor McGonagall 'Minnie'

(Does this mean I can't send her Minnie Mouse ears?)

(You must really have a death wish)

(It's not like she's going to turn us into ferrets)

oOo

Rule #72

In accordance with rule #71, don't send Professor McGonagall Minnie Mouse ears

(Especially in the mail at breakfast)

(Dumbledore once more looked amused)

(You know, Professor McGonagall let him have them)

(Snape couldn't resist taking the mickey out of her)

oOo

Rule #73

Do not show the First Years any horror movies involving ghosts

(Though it was funny to see them freak out the first time they saw the ghosts)

(Poor Nick, he looked so sad)

(Bloody Baron looked even more pleased that the Firsties are even more scared of him than usual)

(It's the Bloody Baron, what do you expect?)

oOo

Rule #74

In accordance with rule #73, do not show the First Years any of the _Ghostbuster_ films

(How the hell was I supposed to know they were going to try and capture the ghosts?)

(My Irregulars actually succeeded)

(How on Earth did they build the proton packs)

(Never underestimate my little Irregulars)

oOo

Rule #75

Do not play the Imperial March when Snape walks down the hall or into a room

(In all fairness, it made the kiddies scatter out of his way)

(Snape was most impressed actually)

(He looked pleased)

(He told me to keep playing it despite what McGonagall said)

(McGonagall was not impressed)

oOo

Rule #76

Don't ask the Bloody Baron where the blood on his clothes came from

(Seriously bad idea)

(He'll go on a haunting spree through the castle)

(The Slytherins got the worst of it)

(That's ok then)

oOo

Rule #77

In accordance with rule #76, do not tell the Bloody Baron that using one's robes to remove period blood is a no-no

(What kind of idiot would do that)

oOo

Rule #78

Do not spread rumours that Snape fancies various female members of the staff

(He got several hexes thrown his way)

(Professor McGonagall was pretty colourful in her choice of words)

(She's Scottish, go figure)

oOo

Rule #79

Do not ask Mad-Eye Moody if his magical eye can see through clothes.

(None of the teachers were impressed)

(Except Moody)

(He thought it was hilarious)

oOo

Rule #80

Do not even attempt to pull any sort of prank or trick on Mad-Eye Moody

(It's a waste of time)

(He will catch you every single time)

(He gives new meaning to the phrase 'Eyes in the back of his head')

(Didn't get detention though)

(He says it's good practice for constant vigilance)


	9. Page IX - Ariana

Rule #81

Do not follow the teachers (and especially Snape) around wearing a t-shirt that has Notice Me Senpai! in ginourmus letters.

(It was glorious)

(He was awkward)

(Magical things happened)

oOo

Rule #82

Do not call Professor Flitwick 'Yoda'

(He doesn't actually mind)

(He thinks it's awesome)

(But we have to think of the school governors)

(Those pricks)

(We still call him Master Yoda in class though)

oOo

Rule #83

Do not tell the first years that the Bloody Baron is into BDSM

(I mean, come on)

(All those chains)

(It was interesting trying to guess how he got them)

(He then ruined it for me by telling me how he actually died)

(Kill-joy)

oOo

Rule #84

Do not accuse Seamus Finnegan of trying to steal your Lucky Charms

(It's funny at first)

(But then the minions thought I was serious)

(They proceeded to torment poor Seamus for weeks)

(I feel like a proud mother)

oOo

Rule #85

Do not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real creatures

(He wanted to go and find a Gyarados of his own)

(He dragged me along with him)

(We ended up in Scotland)

(We didn't find a Gyarados)

(I did learn to play the bagpipes!)

oOo

Rule #86

Students are forbidden from playing the bagpipes

(I was practising)

(Not my fault Hermione didn't wear ear-plugs)

(McGonagall was impressed)

(She likes the bagpipes)

oOo

Rule #87

In accordance with rule #79, do not tell all the female students that Professor Moody uses his magical eye to peep on them when they are changing.

(McGonagall was not impressed)

(Snape was not impressed)

(Flitwick was not impressed)

(Moody thought it was hilarious)

(Dumbledore ate lemon drops)

(Constant vigilance, ladies….)

oOo

Rule #88

Shipping Harry and Snape is not allowed

(I made the mistake of joking about it to my minions)

(They believed me)

(They then tried to push the two together)

(I was not impressed)

(Snape is mine!)

oOo

Rule #89

Do not ask Harry if his Voldie-senses are tingling.

(His scar hurts a lot, okay?)

(And we'd just watched Spiderman)

(He liked Peter Parker)

(So did I)

oOo

Rule #90

Declaring that it's "Hug a Slytherin" Day is not allowed

(I was curious)

(Most of them were okay with it)

(Except for Draco)

(He needs more hugs)


	10. Page X - Rosalie

Rule #91

Do not use the Quidditch broomsticks of any of the teams to clean the halls

(Why are Quidditch players so protective of their brooms?)

(Brooms are basically cleaning instruments!)

oOo

Rule #92

Do not start singing 'Be a Man' while the Quidditch teams are practicing

(In fairness, the Gryffindors liked it)

(Slytherins, not so much)

(Angry female Quidditch players are scary)

oOo

Rule #93

Do not sing 'A Girl Worth Fighting For' when a boy is trying to ask a girl out

(It's not appreciated by the boy in question)

(Flitwick told me to keep my singing to choir practices)

oOo

Rule #94

Do not take all the male uniforms of all the Years and Houses and switch them with female uniforms

(That was brilliant honestly)

(Who knew Draco had such gorgeous legs)

(Must ask him his secret)

oOo

Rule #95

Do not throw a Wonderland themed tea party in the courtyard

(Quite a few students joined in)

(Even Dumbledore joined in)

(Couldn't convince Snape to)

(McGonagall joined in surprisingly)

(Hopefully no one figures out I stuffed Ferret Draco into one of the tea pots to play the Dormouse)

oOo

Rule #96

Do not tell Snape that it's his unbirthday

(He will not be amused)

(I got lines because of that)

(Worth it though)

oOo

Rule #97

It is not appropriate to send yourself as a present for Snape's birthday

(It took so long to get myself wrapped in ribbons in just the right way)

(Took a lot of ribbon too)

(And a few owls too)

(Poor owls)

oOo

Rule #98

Do not decorate the Thestrals with pretty pink bows

(That is if you can see them)

(Had to take Luna along for that one)

(She didn't mind)

oOo

Rule #99

In accordance with rule #98, don't decorate any of the magical creatures with bows

(Especially the Blast Ended Skrewts)

(Nasty buggers)

(Why on Earth was Hagrid trying to get them to breed?)

oOo

Rule #100

Don't go into the Forbidden Forest armed with giant bug spray to kill the spiders

(Hagrid was very upset)

(Ron was all for it)

(Blamed Ron for the idea)


	11. Page XI - Ariana

Rule #101

In accordance with rule #51, students are not allowed hum/sing a theme song as they go through the halls

(I was singing _The Sex is in the Heel_ )

(A bunch of people joined in)

(Even Dumbledore)

(He's awesome that way)

oOo

Rule #102

Students are reminded that yelling 'Boom, baby' when they Apparate is not allowed

(It was during the class we had to take)

(And trying to Apparate into that hoop was boring)

(So I made it more fun)

(Examiners are boring)

oOo

Rule #103

Saying that you wish to enslave mankind and have Snape be your sexy manservant is not a career choice

(Though I wish it was)

(But it's probably best that it isn't)

(All that paperwork)

oOo

Rule #104

Telling Fudge that he isn't as tasty-looking as his name suggests is not recommended.

(He went red)

(So did I)

(Stupid dare)

(The _Daily_ _Prophet_ thought we were having a scandalous affair)

(Fudge didn't comment)

(I said I was too busy shagging Snape to look at other men)

(Bad idea)

oOo

Rule #105

Following rule #104, announcing that you are shagging a teacher is not allowed.

(Snape got way too upset)

(So I got my own back after all those detentions)

(I'm a great avenger)

oOo

Rule #106

Telling Draco that he is the last of the dragons is not allowed

(He didn't get it)

(So then I made him watch the movie)

(Then he was pissed)

(He's so touchy)

oOo

Rule #107

Telling the first years that they can get drunk from Butterbeer is not allowed

(It's a lie anyway)

(I was curious to see how they react)

(It was hilarious)

(They all thought they were drinking underage)

(Worth the detention)

oOo

Rule #108

Magically amplifying your voice does not make you the Dragonborn

(That's what they think)

(I'd be an awesome Dragonborn)

(My minions are behind me on this)

oOo

Rule #109

In accordance with rule #108, Dumbledore is not the leader of the Greybeards

(I asked him if he could teach me the _Thu'um_ )

(He just looked at me and said I was 'not yet ready to harness the Voice, _Dovahkiin_ ')

(Dumbledore is on an awesome roll here)

oOo

Rule #110

Do not lick Trevor

(It's weird)

(And Neville finds it upsetting)

(Poor Neville)


	12. Page XII - Rosalie

Rule #111

When providing commentary for Quidditch matches, do not make fun of the players

(You might get Bludgers hit your way)

(It was funny though)

oOo

Rule #112

In accordance with rule #111, no vulgarities or declaring your love for Snape

(Snape looked like he wanted to jump)

(Man doesn't understand romance)

oOo

Rule #113

Also in accordance with rule #111, if it doesn't have to do with Quidditch, it doesn't need to be said.

(Thanks for ruining the fun McGonagall)

(It was so fun watching the players fly around confused)

(They just don't understand my sense of humour)

oOo

Rule #114

Do not give the House Elves Butterbeer

(They all ended up drunk out of their minds)

(Funny to see)

(Until the food started to suffer)

(Then it wasn't so funny any more)

oOo

Rule #115

In accordance with rule #114, do not hand the Elves socks

(In fairness, Fred and George dared me to run through the kitchen throwing socks while screaming "IT'S RAINING SOCKS AND FREEDOM")

(I still blame them)

(I think the Elves are scared of me now)

oOo

Rule #116

Do not start singing 'They're Taking The Hobbits To Isengard' during mealtimes while dancing on the tables

(Dumbledore was amused)

(He sang along)

(As did a few other students)

(The short First Years weren't amused)

(Well, I can't blame them)

(They're short)

(Touchy little things)

oOo

Rule #117

If confronted by Voldemort, do not throw Holy Water at him.

(He is NOT a vampire)

(You'll most likely end up dead)

(Thank goodness for Dumbledore)

(That man is a candy loving saint)

(Must send candy to show gratitude)

oOo

Rule #118

Do not throw eggs off the Astronomy Tower

(It was fun though)

(Especially when Slytherins were in range)

oOo

Rule #119

In accordance with rule #118, don't throw ANYTHING off the Astronomy Tower

(Accidentally knocked Filch out with a book)

(Got detention)

(Worth it)

oOo

Rule #120

Do not unleash dogs into the castle while singing 'Who Let The Dogs Out'

(Unfair how we can't have dogs as a pet)

(Sirius joined in the dog rampage)

(Snape nearly blew a gasket)

(He needs a chill pill)

(Flitwick reminded me to keep it in the choir)


	13. Page XIII - Ariana

Rule #121

Do not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween

(Really not the best idea)

(Quirrell was really pissed about it for some reason)

(He paused mid-scream about a troll)

(He failed to realise we were surrounded by them)

(Badum-tss)

oOo

Rule #122

Never tell Snape that he takes himself too seriously

(It's not funny)

(More detention)

oOo

Rule #123

Never challenge Neville Longbottom to a dance-off

(That boy has some moves)

(Trevor's a lucky toad)

oOo

Rule #124

Do not tell the first years that Snape is Jesus in disguise

(Because if he's Jesus)

(Then Dumbledore's _God_ )

(Wow that makes too much sense)

oOo

Rule #125

Do not interrupt Potions class by asking Snape if the potion can double as body lotion

(He _will_ make you use it as body lotion)

(Scales are a good look on me)

oOo

Rule #126

Do not poke the Hufflepuff students with spoons

(It irritates them)

(And then a mob forms)

(Because I never know when to stop)

oOo

Do not hide all of the honey and pin it on the Hufflepuffs

(They're bees in disguise, I tell you!)

oOo

Rule #128

Going to class wearing a bikini is _not_ allowed

(Reactions are interesting)

(Detention is not)

(And weather is not entirely dependable)

oOo

Rule #129

Even if they volunteer, House Elves _cannot_ double as Quaffles or Bludgers for practice

(Dobby is the best)

(Always willing to help out)

(Best elf ever)

oOo

Rule #130

Making the Slytherin mascot as a sock puppet is not advised

(It is hilarious though)

(Can't make any of the other mascots out of a sock)

(Point to me, Draco)


	14. Page XIV - Rosalie

Rule #131

Do not play 'They're Coming To Take Me Away' when Bellatrix is around

(She really hates that song)

(She isn't afraid to Crucio the hell out of you)

oOo

Rule #132

When Mr. Malfoy comes to visit the school, it is not appropriate to ask him what brand of hair dye he uses

(Tried to have me expelled)

(It was an honest question)

(His hair is gorgeous)

oOo

Rule #133

In accordance with rule #132, do not ask Mr. Malfoy his secret for long hair.

(You'll get a very long and boring answer)

(He's almost as bad as Binns is)

(Just don't do it)

oOo

Rule #134

Also in accordance with rule #132, do not ask how Mr. Malfoy keeps his hair on his head.

(So touchy)

oOo

Rule #135

Do not imply Mrs. Malfoy dyes her hair

(That woman is possibly scarier than Bellatrix is)

(When you look at her, it looks like she does)

(Saw brown at her roots)

(Also not a good idea to say she looks like a skunk)

(Are all Malfoy/Lestrange/Black women this touchy about their hair?)

oOo

Rule #136

Don't tell Bellatrix the idea behind pot brownies

(Just no)

oOo

Rule #137

In accordance with rule #136, don't suggest she laces brownies with love potions

(She tried using them on Voldie)

(He doesn't like chocolate apparently)

(The monster)

oOo

Rule #138

Do not buy Weasley Wizarding Wheezes merchandise and bring them to school

(But they're so fun)

(They make life less boring)

oOo

Rule #139

In accordance with rule #138, do not feed the First Years Fever Fudge or various other Skiving Snackboxes

(Irregulars were rather grateful I got them out of classes)

(My babies love me even more now)

(I'm so happy)

oOo

Rule #140

Do not insist that Snape is the Metatron

(Got detention for it)

(But I got alone time with him)

(Score)


	15. Page XV - Ariana

Rule #141

Asking Dumbledore to do the 'Shave or Dye' for charity is not advised

(He'll do it)

(But McGonagall will get really pissed)

(And make his hair grow back or re-dye it)

(He looks awesome with a blue mullet)

oOo

Rule #142

Don't swap out Umbridge's wardrobe with a gothic one

(She _will_ know who it is)

(And she _will_ make you write lines again)

(With _that_ quill)

(She's into kinky shit)

oOo

Rule #143

Do not tell Voldemort to get a life

(Like I have stated before)

(He cannot take a joke)

(I aim to change this in the future)

oOo

Rule #144

Do not provoke Fluffy on the third-floor

(Three heads are three too many to run from)

(And you get covered in drool)

(It's disgusting)

oOo

Rule #145

Do not stare at people for more than ten seconds and then profess your love for them

(I felt like sharing the love)

(Malfoy ignored me)

(Krum looked confused)

(Fleur was flattered)

(Harry gave me a muffin)

(Cedric had to hide from Cho)

(Snape just stared at me and said 'I know')

oOo

Rule #146

Bungee-jumping off the Astronomy Tower is strictly forbidden

(It was so fun)

(But Filch didn't appreciate me taking Mrs Norris when I was going back up)

(She was pretty cool with it)

oOo

Rule #147

Actually, just no bungee-jumping off any of the towers

(I pushed Filch off of the Ravenclaw tower)

(Detention yet again)

oOo

Rule #148

Do not tell Ron that Hermione has a picture of Krum under her pillow

(They argued for hours)

(And then didn't talk to me for a while)

(I was telling the truth that time!)

oOo

Rule #149

Do not yell out " **THE KRAKEN HAS BEEN RELEASED!** " if someone's trousers are a bit too low in the back

(It was so funny)

(But then Umbridge started adjusting uniforms after that)

(I don't think anyone was pleased with that)

oOo

Rule #150

Do not use a House Elf as a snowboard

(They're too skinny)

(And they get all cold)

(Dobby's a bro that way)


	16. Page XVI - Rosalie

Rule #151

In accordance with rule #140, do not ask Snape if he's anatomically impaired as a Ken Doll

(More detention)

(I think all the blood in his body rushed North)

(He shamed even the reddest rose)

(I think he created an altogether new shade of red)

oOo

Rule #152

In accordance with rule #151, do not attempt to find out if he is.

(Tried seducing him)

(Blood rushed to his head and he fainted)

(Got detention)

(Worth it)

oOo

Rule #153

Do not suggest to Snape he needs to get laid

(He was not amused)

(Dumbledore gave me lemon drops)

(Sour little things)

oOo

Rule #154

In accordance with rule #153, do not offer yourself for such purpose.

(Snape really wasn't amused)

(More detention)

(So close)

oOo

Rule #155

Skinny dipping in the Black Lake is strictly forbidden

(Pure chance Snape was walking along the shore)

(Perfect timing)

oOo

Rule #156

It is not advised to give Luna Lovegood a book on Muggle Cryptids

(In fairness, Luna loves the book)

(I broadened her mind)

(She invited me to go along with her on an expedition)

(Bless Luna)

oOo

Rule #157

Do not ask Snape if he was implying something suggestive when he mentions there will be no foolish wand waving.

(He does not appreciate it)

(It scares the Firsties)

oOo

Rule #158

Nifflers are not suitable pets

(Cute as they are)

(Had a few incidents involving jewellery)

(Wasn't spared either)

(I know better now)

oOo

Rule #159

Do not place fairies in jars to use as makeshift lanterns

(But they're so pretty)

(They get really mad)

(They're nasty about revenge when they get out)

(Still untangling my hair)

oOo

Rule #160

Do not tell First Years that fairy dust will make them fly.

(Angry fairies back on my case again)

(Madam Pomfrey was not impressed)


	17. Page XVII - Ariana

Rule #161

Challenging the school to make up jokes about Oliver Wood's name is strictly banned

(It never ends)

(And Oliver threatened to tie me to one of the hoops)

(And get the twins to pelt Bludgers at me)

(Oliver is scary)

oOo

Rule #162

Proclaiming yourself the king of goblins is not advised

(Only Jareth can pull that off)

(And goblins get pissed off)

(My hair is still growing out from that)

oOo

Rule #163

Telling Lucius Malfoy that he's like a gay version of Thranduil is forbidden

(Even if he does)

(He'll get all his Death Eater friends after you)

(It's not worth it)

oOo

Rule #164

Putting Voldemort as your other half on Facebook or any social media is forbidden

(I was surprised when he accepted)

oOo

Rule #165

Putting Snape as your other half on Facebook or any social media is forbidden

(Snape rejected my request)

(So I posted that he was unwilling to do the right thing and make me Mrs. Snape)

(Dumbledore commented on it)

(I didn't know Dumbledore _had_ Facebook)

oOo

Rule #166

The Sword of Godric Gryffindor is to stay in Dumbledore's office

(I wanted to get out of a challenge that Sir Cadogan issued me)

(Real sword versus painting?)

(Pft, no contest)

oOo

Rule #167

Do not creep up behind lost first-years with the aforementioned sword and tell them that the penalty for lateness is a severed limb

(I had a vague idea to put the sword back)

(But then I saw a lost firstie)

(And then I just went with it)

(Hello detention my old friend…)

oOo

Rule #168

Do not ask Professor Lockhart for his life story

(He will not shut up)

oOo

Rule #169

Do not ask Professor Lockhart for fashion tips

(He insists pink is my colour)

(I prefer blue)

(And he keeps wanting to curl my hair)

(Stranger danger)

oOo

Rule #170

Opposite day is not a real holiday at Hogwarts

(It was funny though)

(The students were all in on it)

(But then Dumbledore caught on)

(Dammit Dumbledore)


	18. Page XVIII - Rosalie

Rule #171

Do not prank mail the Death Eaters

(No)

(Just no)

oOo

Rule #172

Creating fan clubs is strictly forbidden

(Snape had a surprisingly large following amongst the female students)

(And some male)

(He's not as scary as he thinks he is)

oOo

Rule #173

Do not spread rumours that Lockhart and Snape are secretly lovers

(Lockhart started flirting with Snape)

(Priceless)

(I always knew Lockhart fancied wizards)

(Even Lockhart isn't immune to Snape)

(Daily Prophet had a field day with that story)

(Snape was really not amused)

oOo

Rule #174

It is forbidden to tell the First Years that they must jump in the Black Lake

(The Giant Squid gets tired of putting them back on shore)

(He's such a sweet monster)

oOo

Rule #175

Do not take Lockhart's photos of himself and burn them.

(The man cried for hours)

(He's loud)

oOo

Rule #176

Do not fill Moody's hip flask with mud

(He'll know it was you)

(And might make you drink it)

(And to think we ate dirt as kids)

oOo

Rule #177

Do not sing 'A Whole New World' during Astronomy classes

(Was reminded to keep singing limited to Choir)

(They will never silence my voice)

(Opportunity was there)

oOo

Rule #178

Do not paint the flowers red

(Sprout was not happy)

(They looked so pretty though)

(Too bad it killed them)

(Why do we not have roses)

oOo

Rule #179

In accordance with rule #178, do not threaten to cut off the heads of the First Years

(Can't use the Sword of Gryffindor)

(Would have been EPIC)

oOo

Rule #180

Do not give the Weasley Twins a book of pranks under any circumstances

(The HORROR)

(Teachers were not impressed)


	19. Page XIX - Ariana

Rule #181

Do not ask the mer-people in the Black Lake if Ariel and Sebastian can come to tea

(They have no idea who you're on about)

oOo

Rule #182

Stealing from Snape's potion supplies is strictly forbidden

(I wanted to borrow some Gillyweed)

(So I could have a 'Little Mermaid' marathon with the mer-people)

(Snape was _not_ impressed)

oOo

Rule #183

 _Never_ , under any circumstances, challenge the Weasley twins to a prank war

(You will lose)

(They are the kings)

(I have lost my title)

oOo

Rule #184

Do not act like Thor in the Great Hall and smash your glass on the floor

(I like this drink! **ANOTHER!** )

( _Smash_ )

oOo

Rule #185

Do not poke any visiting vampires and ask them if they sparkle

(It's insulting to actual vampires)

(And don't let them read _Twilight_ either)

(They get offended)

oOo

Rule #186

Telling Cho Chang that Cedric thinks she's fat is not advised

(Well she _was_ )

(I then made the mistake of saying maybe she was pregnant)

(I am still king of hide-and-seek)

oOo

Rule #187

Do not convince the first years that the Slytherins are Siths

(Even if it's true)

oOo

Rule #188

Do not turn the Great Hall into the Moon Palace from _Sailor Moon_ when you are watching the series again

(It looked awesome)

(Dumbledore let me do his hair in the Odango-style like Usagi!)

(There was a sleepover)

(I'll tell you about it sometime)

oOo

Rule #189

The game 'Shag, marry or kill' has been banned

(Ron: "Hey Professor, who would you shag, marry or kill? Ariana, Cho or Pansy?")

(I nearly fell into my cauldron)

(The answers was….interesting?)

oOo

Rule #190

Going up to people and asking 'was last night good for you too?' is not allowed

(The reactions were epic from the staff)

(Snape was really annoyed about it when I didn't go up to him)

(It was worth it)

(Even though I got another sex-talk from Madam Pomfrey)

(Those dolls…)


	20. Page XX - Rosalie

Rule #191

Do not show 'Bambi' to anyone at Hogwarts

(Madam Pomfrey was not amused with the number of traumatized students)

(Even Dumbledore was sad)

oOo

Rule #192

In accordance with rule #185, do not mention the _Twilight_ series

(No)

(Just no)

(What idiot would do that)

oOo

Rule #193

Do not unleash pixies in the school

(Didn't learn my lesson from Lockhart)

(Pure chaos)

oOo

Rule #194

Do not make any mention of fanfiction

( **NO** )

( **NO** )

( **FOR THE LOVE OF HOGWARTS, NO** )

oOo

Rule #195

In accordance with rule #194, do not tell Harry or Draco about the Drarry pairing

(That was actually quite funny)

(Draco said I'd be hearing about it from his father)

(That threat gets _old_ )

oOo

Rule #196

Likewise, do not mention to Snape that he is often paired with Lucius Malfoy

(Detention, how I missed thee)

oOo

Rule #197

Do not call Mr. Malfoy 'Lucious' Malfoy

(He will hunt you down for butchering his name)

(Dumbledore saved me)

(He was amused)

(Point to Dumbledore)

oOo

Rule #198

Do not take pictures of Voldemort in attempts to see if he can be photographed.

(He can be photographed)

(He doesn't like it)

oOo

Rule #199

Do not show Hagrid '101 Dalmatians'

(He cried for hours)

(He was louder than Lockhart)

(He ended up getting drunk)

oOo

Rule #200

Do not gift Remus Lupin with doggie kibble

(Tonks thought it was funny)

(Remus, not so much)

(Why is it so fun to mess with werewolves)


	21. Page XXI

It was a beautiful day at Hogwarts. Summer had arrived, exams were over, and students were relaxing by the lake or packing to go home the next day. In the Headmaster's office, two Seventh year students were writing furiously in two separate rolls of parchment.

"How are you coming along, girls?" Dumbledore's portrait asked pleasantly. Ariana glanced up from her scroll and pointed her quill at him menacingly.

"Don't start, Professor," she snapped. "This was all your idea in the first place. I can't _believe_ you left instructions for us to finish this after you left."

"I always believe in finishing a job once started," Dumbledore answered serenely. "And besides, I believe that you're almost finished."

"Six years later," Rosalie huffed as Professor McGonagall swept into the room.

"Are you done?" the Transfiguration teacher asked crisply.

"Just about, Professor," the girls chimed, putting down their quills. Ariana rubbed her sore hand as McGonagall scanned through their work. A rare smile quirked her lips.

"Very good Miss Oswald, Miss Tyler. I believe that is the end of the matter," she announced, putting the scrolls on the large desk. "Now ladies, I have a proposal for you."

"Yes, Professor?"

"There are several posts available now in the Hogwarts staff, and I would like to offer you both a position here as teachers. Of course, if you need time to think about it-"

" **YES!** " The girls shrieked, throwing their arms around the startled teacher. "Oh my god, thank you so much Professor! You won't regret it, we promise!"

* * *

Down in the dungeons, Snape shuddered.

He had a bad feeling about something.

 **Fin~**


End file.
